I admit it. I have an appalling view of my own body. Quite frankly, I hate it. Which doesn't mean I hate myself (well, on some days I do, but that's another post) but I just don't like the way I look. I'm 5'6" tall and wear size 18/20/22 clothes depending on style and fit. I also have humungous boobs which annoy me constantly, not only because of their size and weight, but because they are different sizes and I have to fill one cup with fake, plastic, chicken-fillet-type things.
Also, due to having PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) I find it very easy to put on weight (something to do with insulin levels) and very difficult to lose weight (as my body naturally craves starch, therefore, stodgy foods). Another downside of PCOS is that I suffer from hirsutism which doesn't help lift my self-esteem in any way, shape or form. (PCOS is also one of many reasons we decided to adopt as it severely affected my fertility.)
Today we went uniform shopping which consisted of shoes and socks for Little Man, shoes, socks and blouses for Little Miss and smart clothes for me. I haven't worked since we brought home the children April 2008 and starting a new job so not really got any appropriate clothes. We bought the children's clothes first then started looking for me. Not much in our local stores so moved to a bigger town. Everything was too small or jeans!
I sobbed and sobbed and hubby had to stop the car to console me. I felt so fat and ugly and self-hate just poured out of me. It wouldn't stop. My beautiful little girl was reaching forward to stroke my hair through the headrest, bless her (and she's 5). Little Man kept going "there, there Mummy, I love you" (he's 3!). They know mummy cries sometimes (ie has depression) and they're so understanding, bless.
We drove to another shopping area where I was saved by New Look and Peacocks. Both of which stock larger sizes and had sales on - bonus! I haven't dared put them on again yet though. I think I'd cry if I looked at myself in a mirror right now. Not helped by the fact I sleep next to our wardrobe: the doors of which are floor to ceiling mirrors. Getting dressed in the morning is done with my back to them.
Now, my husband often tells me he loves me for me; not my body, not my ample bosom, but me. He even tells me I don't love you for this, this, this, etc, touching my belly, chest, face, but love you for this and touches my heart. He says I am beautiful to him and to our children and he wouldn't swap me for anyone. Gosh, I'm welling up typing this. He says he loves me no matter what my size but wants me to be happy. I love that man!
Where do I go from here? I've tried diets and exercise plans and can't get down past a size 18 so maybe my aim should be just to get there - in all clothes - for now. Or maybe my aim should be to love the skin I'm in. My son loves my "wobbly belly" as he calls it and loves to lie his head on my "pillows" - yes, my chest. My daughter says she loves me - all of me. I'm loved so much, maybe I should start loving me too.
11 comments:
I understand how you feel. I feel asif I am very overweight, and am having a really hard time losing it. I also have PCOS, and it is hard because the doctor doesn't think I will be able to get pregnant until I lose some weight. I really need to get on myself about making me more happy about food and weight.
Thank you for sharing, hun. It's so hard to lose weight due to the PCOS, isn't it. Though I did find a book helped. I'll DM you the link on twitter x
I'm sorry you had a bad day today... :-( But at the end of the day it must have been beautiful to see how much your husband and your children love you. We become so used to the kids and the house and it all becomes a routine. Then we need these little moments to remind us that even if we have problems and we are not happy with some things in our lives we have a beautiful family that loves us and is always there for us. :D
I hear ya about the two different size thing. I can usually get by without padding as they are only half a cup to a cup different (D vs. DD...do you have the same cup sizes in the UK as the US? Is it universal sizing?) but in my wedding dress I had to have a pad sewn in on one side.
Have you thought about a breast reduction? My roommate in college got one, and she looked a lot trimmer once she had it done (she'd had it done because it had caused back problems) and then she found it was easier to lose weight and keep it off after that.
Oh sweetheart, sorry to read you are having such a bad day. I had a breast reduction when I was younger and you wouldn't believe how it changed my life. I even lost weight naturally after this because I felt so much better. This could be something you think of. You could also try and speak to a confidence coach. I am a Life coach myself and specialise in goal setting and time management, but I also know of coaches out there who specialise in confidence which could help you a great deal. If you are interested in finding out email me at peggy@perfectlyhappy.co.uk and I will try to put you in touch.
x
Aww hun, this makes me wanna just give you a huge hug. i totally sympathize with how you're feeling as i have very similar feelings myself! the main difference is i don't struggle to lose weight, i struggle to put any on! ever since i had my eldest, i sway between 6 stone and 7 1/2 and wory constantly about my ugly bones showing and severe lack of boobage!
most people would give their right arm to be slim, but its not all its cracked up to be! i, like yourself, know my bloke and kids adore me, but its those feelings inside! i so hope you manage to find that inner happiness as you are such a beautiful person! luv ya hun xx
I love you guys - you've made me teary, in a good way. I've not thought of a breast reduction as always been scared of it going wrong. Been talking to hubby and going to work on weight reduction when I start work next week (routine should make it easier) and then see how I get. If not a lot happens I'll go to doctor to see about getting help. Then possibly talk reduction. I do have tons of backaches, caused by weight and boob size. Thanks all xxx
Oh, I can completely relate. Clothes shopping is one of the most depressing experiences I have to go through.
Like you, I don't hate myself, and most of the time I don't even think about my size, but then I'll catch sight of myself in a window and wonder who that lady is with the mammoth bazoomas! (I also have PCOS and am between sizes 22-28 UK).
Thanks for sharing your story.
We should club together and all go clothes shopping as a group ;) x
One good point !!
You are the same size/shape as me :) and I look amazing so so must you !!!!
aww bless ya - thanks Anna x
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