Back, but not quite so bouncy...

I've been offline for a while and now I'm back, but I'm not better by any means. For those of you who are unaware, I've had depression for a while now, on and off. The last few months have been very busy, what with a new part time job, children at school and finding new routines. So I stayed offline as I was struggling to find the new me through all of the above. However, recently, things took a serious nose dive.
I'd begun to listen to a little voice in my head telling me I was useless at everything I did: work, housework, mothering, wifeing, everything. As I listened to this voice I began to hide my feelings from everyone, too. And so the tears started and I couldn't stop them. I'd shut myself off from the world, from those who loved me. This built up and up until... BANG! Last Wednesday I could no longer keep the facade I had held for weeks at work. I crumbled.
Firstly, I texted hubby and told him to ring the helpline he'd been given by our GP. So he did and he was told to get me to the GP or hospital asap. I rang the GP and he was on half day closing - wonderful. I had to tell someone at work I was going but couldn't. Another text to hubby and his reply was I only had to tell one person. Ella - should you ever read this (though I doubt it knowing your love of IT lol) thank you! My dear friend Ella got another friend of mine, Keith and they hugged me until my crying was down to a whimper.
The next step was to tell someone in senior management. To my amazement, the only senior teacher I know to be a Christian came to me and prayed for me. She then took me to hospital and stayed by my side until hubby appeared. They said they couldn't help! I explained I was suicidal and hearing voices and they sent the psychiatric nurse to talk to me. She said I needed to be referred by my GP. Hmmm, he's on half day closing, so she gave me a phone number for the local mental health nurses.
On the way home I rang them and they said they'd ring me back that afternoon. Which they did. We're getting somewhere at last, I thought. I thought wrong. They said they'd write with an appointment for next week. I had to go to the doctors first thing in the morning, get my medication checked and get signed off work. I got signed off, got new tablets and slept hours and hours. On Saturday I got a letter saying I had an appointment - for JANUARY 4TH!!!!!!!!!! For goodness sake! I rang and they said there was nothing they could do due to the time of year they were shutting for Christmas.
So I'm now sitting at home - alone - shaking due to the effects of my new tablets and being withdrawn from my old ones. Worrying about what colleagues think about me. I'm not daft, I know the stigma mental health has. Feeling lonely and sorry for myself. Not looking forward to Christmas though with two young children I'm desperately trying to find some bounce in me somewhere.
So, there you go. My life in the last few days has turned upside down. I'm the worst I've ever been yet the NHS has failed me and my family. Hubby is anxious - worried about me and the children, he now feels like he is a father of 3. What next for me? I don't know. More tears? Definitely. More loneliness? I hope not. The dreaded S word? Please, God, I hope not. However, I know I lose control to the voices in my head every now and again and they win. I pray they don't ultimately win the greatest prize of all - my life.